Saturday 29 March 2014

Drama Queen 2

This is what I originally wrote in my journal about the Dramatic Gestures, which I unpacked for the last blog post. Says the same kind of thing, but slightly differently.

To give up the Dramatic Gestures -
not because it's WRONG or SINFUL
(The spirit of Blame and Self-hate),
but because it's Not Necessary
(The spirit of Realistic Love):
I don't need to do these things
to gain God's love,
because God loves me already.
I cannot buy God's love with 'holy gestures' - 
nothing I do,
or give up,
can make God love me 
any more than He already does.
And nothing I do or say,
or don't do or say,
can make Him love me
any less than He already does.

God loves me.
Full stop.
Not dramatic exclamation mark,
or capital letters,
just quiet full stop;
nothing more needs to be said.


Pic by Google Images search  http://pastorcarolmora.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/jesus_love.jpg

Monday 17 March 2014

Drama Queen!

I have to confess to having a weakness for the Dramatic sometimes.
I think it stems from all the stories of heroes/heroines I have read and loved since I was a child - you know, fairy tales, fantasy stories, King Arthur and his knights and all that. Of course, when you read these you naturally cast yourself as the Noble Knight On A Quest or the Wise Lady Dispensing Wisdom or the Beautiful Princess Admired By All. When I became a Christian I read stories of saints and martyrs and, naturally, saw myself in those roles too - the Tragic Martyr Who Bravely Held On To Her Beliefs No Matter What. There I stand, on top of the high place, wind blowing my long hair and long skirts, looking nobly, determinedly, (but humbly) into the face of danger, the sun making a halo behind my head, swoon, swoon!

Well, this is all very well when you're little, or when you're reading the book, but what about Real Life? Ah, now that's where the problems begin!

I look back on my life and realise how often I have made the same Dramatic Statements.  
My family will be familiar with the usual ones:

I'M NEVER CUTTING MY HAIR AGAIN!!  
(Biblical Nazarite, Amish, or historical reasons. But, after a year or two, I get fed up with long hairs all over the floor and in the bath, and the amount of time it takes to wash and dry.)

I'M NEVER EATING CHOCOLATE/SUGAR AGAIN! 
Which is sometimes expressed as..
I WILL EAT HEALTHILY FROM NOW ON!  or  
I WILL RESPECT MY BODY!  
(Yes, a very hoary chestnut, that one, never maintained beyond a week or two!)

When I gave up teaching, I realised I had the freedom to try out my pipe dreams...

I WILL GROW ALL MY OWN FOOD, AND BOTTLE/PRESERVE IT MYSELF!  
(But I only like gardening in certain weathers - not when it's too hot, too cold or too wet.)

I WILL LIVE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY!
(Except in Winter when I get cold and the lack of light triggers my S.A.D. - and when I want to use my laptop, or the microwave...)

I WILL BE A NATURE RESERVE WARDEN!
(See note above about weather.)

I WILL GIVE ALL MY TIME IN SERVICE TO OTHERS!
(Until I'm exhausted and then feel resentful.)

I WILL PRAY 4 TIMES A DAY, LIKE NUNS DO!
(But they live in community, to support each other; and they don't need to cook all their own meals or go shopping.)

I WILL GET UP AT DAWN EACH DAY!
(But this goes completely against my body clock.)

All very laudable statements, but none of them are realistic. Of course, when the Grand Promises get broken, and the Dramatic Gestures can no longer be sustained, I end up swooping down from the mountain tops down, down to the very depths of guilt and self-hate, wallowing in my supposed awfulness...

I'M A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON!

HOW CAN GOD EVER LOVE ME?

I AM THE WORST OF SINNERS! 

Guess what? These are Dramatic Gestures too - and they're just as unrealistic as the other ones!

So why do I do it? 
Mostly it comes from a desire to be a good person, to please God. I am trying to earn God's love, to win respect from other people and, yes, sometimes I suspect I'm showing off a bit too! (Sorry!)

But, when you look at it, this all stems from insecurity, from a lack of belief in God's love for us. It's so hard to really believe and accept that God actually loves us just as we are. We don't have to earn it. We don't have to buy it. God really, really, REALLY loves us!

So, from now on, I'M GIVING UP DRAMATIC GESTURES! 
Oh, wait, that's another D.G. isn't it?! Hmm... let's change it... I pray that God will help me to live more realistically, to trust Him more, and believe in His love.

*cue sweeping strings and triumphant brass...*


Friday 7 March 2014

Catching up

Gosh, such a long time since I've written on here! I've been meaning to write all the hundred and one things I've thought of since last August but, somehow, other things take priority and time just slips away. And now, where do I start? Which of those 101 things do I begin with? Hmmm....I’ll start by giving you some very belated news.

Last July, I became a Companion of Julian of Norwich. This is a worldwide group of people, lay or clergy, who wish to follow Julian’s teachings in their lives. Companions try, as best they are able, to:

·        reflect the unconditional love of God in their response to others and to themselves

·        exercise compassionate empathy in their daily lives

·        meditate and intercede for the world for at least 30 minutes a day

·        seek spiritual nourishment from regular study of Julian’s “Revelations of Divine Love”

·        make at least one visit to the Julian Shrine in Norwich during their lifetime, if possible

We make these promises annually and, as I only live about 45 minutes away from the Shrine, I made my promises there. It was a beautiful, moving occasion with nine of us, including my Mum and Daughter, in the tiny little room. Canon Beryl, my Rector and one of my sponsors, led the short service and Daphne, the other sponsor, read the Bible reading I had chosen (1 John 4:7-12). We sang, unaccompanied, Be Thou My Vision, and Liz Thomas, a Companion, presented me with a certificate, badge and medallion. There were other Friends of Julian present too, including Sister Pamela from All Hallows Community, who provide hospitality for visitors to the Shrine. (And, indeed, tea and cakes afterwards!)
Here are some piccies:


 Me, with Canon Beryl and Daphne.


My beautiful daughter is on the left, 
and my wonderful Mum is next to me, on the right of the picture.

Incidentally, I made the purple dress I am wearing, rushing to finish it on time. Since the fabric frays easily, I later had to reinforce the seams to make up for the short cuts I had taken!

I think that will do for this post - hopefully will post another of the 100 things left soon!

Blessings to all who read this!  x x